The Rest of the Story

So I think the time has come to talk about the reason that I have Cudo now and to answer maybe a question that some could have who regularly follow my Facebook page, “Where is Gin?” Well the short answer is that Gin is safe and sound fat and covered in mud in my barn with my other geldings. But that’s not the full story. I think that everyone who reads my page knows that I want to put it all here and be forthright and talk about the downs as well as the ups.

So back in the fall some may remember that at Devon Fall horse show, Gin finally got a clear round on Sunday. It was that clear round that made me start looking back at all the 1 or 2 rail rounds and wondering what was causing all the rails, beyond my simple mistakes of course. It just seemed odd that a clearly talented horse could jump clean all day at home but rails were happening elsewhere. Now I fully believed it was all my doing. But to be sure we decided to keep better notes and have our vet out to check him. When the vet was out the week of our next show, we found a very slight hind end soreness and decided since it was so slight to go on to the show in Upperville that weekend and see if it improved or worsened and have a recheck on Monday thereafter. But additionally, we saw something else… on your basic neuro exam he was just a tick off on the crossing of his hind legs and he scuffed his toes walking down a hill with his head held high.

Now life and work don’t often converge but as I am the administrative assistant for the neurologist at New Bolton I have heard these stories before. I was worried and all the things I have in my knowledge started building things up to fear the worst. We went to Upperville and the show was lovely but our rounds were nightmarish. The rails fell like dominoes and the little successes were overshadowed by this looming worry of what was really wrong with my unicorn? We came home and did our follow up exam and while the slight lameness had improved, the repeat neuro was ever so slightly worsened. To be very clear the level of what we’re talking about was never worse than a 1.5 on the scale out of 5. He’s not a stumbling messed up horse, but nor was he right. I followed my own advice that I have given a lot and I took him in to work. He came with me and while I was fielding calls he was getting our full neuro workup. Thankfully I have almost all my horses insured and the insurance company was on my side and doing a great job explaining what to look for and what tests to do.

After spinal taps, c spine(neck) xrays and another neuro exam what we know is that it’s very mild neck arthritis and not at all related to EPM or Lyme disease. There’s a lot we could do in the form of cervical neck injections and some medicines, or we could wait and see. So I chose to first give him rest and see if that changed anything. 2 months of rest later we did another neuro exam. His symptoms (the leg crossover and scuffing) were much improved. And in it’s own way that tells a bigger story. Without the workload we’d been doing Gin was physically better. My vet and I talked and though it breaks my heart on so many levels we decided to retire him down to only doing lower level things. So while I love him and only want the best for my special guy I won’t be conquering the big fences with Gin anymore.

If that wasn’t enough the situation in November at my barn was this; Gin was now retired, Beau had  not yet come fully sound from his bone bruising, Lunar was sound but was having issues with enjoying any type of work, and poor Max received a new splint (from Lunar) right as he had healed from the first one. It’s an understatement to say that this was a low point in my riding life. I do believe however that fate and life works like a bank account. That you have great days and you have horrible days. The good and bad must co exist to have even a semi normal life. With this much ‘bad’ going on I thought, “What if this is the amazing low that mixes to balance with an even more amazing high?” I thought about it long and hard and then basically figured I was making up things in my own head due to the fumes of horse urine. LOL.

 I have amazing friends. I have an amazing husband and I learned so much about myself mucking 4 stalls a day for my boys who still needed all of their life elements while they couldn’t really give anything back to me competitively and who I couldn't really even ride. They gave back in small ways that reminded me that life isn’t about all things showing. Gin makes funny head tosses before meals, Lunar is a wiz with tossing halters, Beau likes to be scratched on his withers and will play with his lip while you scratch, Max is enjoying the spoiled life of deep straw stalls and a view of all our resident turkey buzzards.  Life went on. It was winter anyway, a really cold one at that and they’re a family to me no matter what.

When I went to Europe to see Terri I looked at some horses for sale. I’d talked to John a bit and I kind of figured it this way. I wasn’t too seriously thinking I would get something but if I didn’t look at an imported warmblood I wouldn’t know what was out there. I knew I couldn’t afford anything here already. The prices are ungodly, I just can’t swing those numbers and afford to live. So I found and loved a nice Irish horse and then he failed the vet, in grand fashion. “There you go, it wasn’t meant to be” I figured. But some part of me was a little more tenacious and I subtly kept looking. I joined I think every sale group in England, Ireland and many other countries that I could find on Facebook.  And through that came Cudo.

Cudo is amazing. Everything a girl like me could ask for and about 100x more. But then there’s Gin standing in his stall, morning and night nickering at me, gobbling down treats and nudging me to go for a ride and if I’m honest I will say that I cry a fair bit still for what was probably the best decision of my life, to stop. I think things would be better if he could go do something with someone, even low level hunters, jumpers, trails etc, his vets have said he’s fine at that level and I think he could be an amazing partner still, just for someone with less lofty goals. There are many ribbons he can still win and I am on the lookout for a worthy person who would be interested in leasing him with full disclosure of all the things we know. He will always be mine and will always have a home, but if he could brighten someone else’s career a bit I think the best gift I can give is to allow him to still play and enjoy the life he embraced so fully. He loves the crowds and is convinced all the applause is for him!

Beau still isn’t right and I’m hoping he will be one day, but bone bruises are very tough. Max is getting ready to come back into work and Lunar….well hopefully I can find what he wants to do. I haven’t got the ability to give up, even though dozens of folks have said I should. LOL.

So there you have it, 5 months later I was able to talk a bit about it all. Hopefully it all makes some more sense. The life of an equestrian is never easy and my challenges are no more special or difficult than what all the folks around me have had to conquer. I just wanted to share so I could finally let it all out and stop being afraid of telling the world that my lovely boy was technically imperfect. He will never be less than perfect in my own eyes and that’s really all that matters.